Small Bar Division or The Un-ironic Irony

The Slow and Savory Review

We've spoken previously about Brandy's confusion with that race of young people known as "Hipsters."  The black glasses wearing, vintage band t-shirt sporting, extreme facial hair touting, PBR drinking, denizens of everything thrift, obscure, and ironic.  "First of all, no American has any idea what irony is," Brandy says, "Secondly, in my day you didn't just walk around with the same facial hair as Kaiser Willhelm unless you wanted to get a good kick up the jacksy."  

The lair of the urban hipster, the faux dive bar, is also of confusion to Brandy.  "It used to be that bars were just that; bars.  You'd have one long counter from which the bartender would operate, maybe a few tables and chairs, always made out of hard wood, the television would be playing a good old footy game," by that Brandy means football in the European sense of the word, "And the walls would be hung not with odd things for the sake of it, but with things the bar owner himself found significant, like an old trophy for dart throwing or the oars of the boat his Grandfather used to take him fishing in."  It seems that every time Brandy walks into a bar these days, it has purposely eclectic lighting fixtures, annoyingly odd chachkies behind the bar, or signed tour posters of bands no one has ever heard of, and it is for that reason that she had somewhat given up her old custom of going for a pint during the dark winter evenings.

While Christmas shopping one Sunday afternoon in Wicker Park, Brandy crossed over into the mecca for hipsters, Ukrainian Village, quite by mistake after she lost her way while trying to send a text through a pager from 1993.  Looking up and finding herself surrounded by flannel shirts, floppy hats, and stores showing the covers of some strange publications called "graphic novels," Brandy quickly took refuge in the first eatery she came across, in order to get her barrings.  The eatery just so happened to be Small Bar on Division, which immediately had Brandy glancing around in awe.  "A real bar...can it be?" she whispered to herself as she looked from the television showing a live soccer game to the heavy wood tables, to the un-ironicly decorated walls.  Before she knew it, she was seated at a table by the window as the nice young bartender poured a glass of water and presented her with a menu.

One cocktail caught Brandy's eye right away; The Moondance, which was a combination of black tea infused tequila, cherry wood vanilla bitters, and a muddled orange peel, among other delicious things.  The drink was oddly refreshing and deeply flavored at the same time, with a sweet and smokey finish.  Brandy wondered at the infused tequila, thinking it tasted almost more like whiskey.

To start off her meal, she ordered a slice of Coffee Cake, which came hot to the table with a slab of cinnamon butter melting away on top of it.  The cake was rich and buttery, very moist and with plenty of spice from the cinnamon.  The outside had a perfect sort of crunch that made Brandy smile to herself, thinking that this was truly the definition of comfort food.

Next came a side of Creamy Yellow Polenta, topped off with some chopped chives.  Being used to seeing cheesy grits on menus across Chicagoland, this was a welcome change.  The polenta was soft, creamy, smooth, and had a good fresh bite from the chives.

For her main course, Brandy chose the BLT and Fried Egg.  This twist on the classic sandwich included shredded lettuce, garlic aioli, and tomato jam as well as the usual suspects.  Brandy was in love at first bite.  The bacon was crisp without being greasy, the bread soft without falling apart, the shredded lettuce added a good bit of texture, and the tomato jam was sweet and just generally delicious.  All of this perfection was topped off by the richness of the fried egg, creating what Brandy deemed to be the best BLT she'd ever eaten.  On the side were some really nicely done potatoes, which were crisp on the outside, soft on the inside, and had a very pleasant flavor that was all at once salty, herbaceous, and buttery without being oily.

As a yellow flag was thrown down on the field of the game on the television, Brandy tossed down about $30 for her brunch and left Small Bar with a great sigh of relief.  Encountering a group of hipsters on her way out, she grabbed one of them by the shoulder, pointed him at the bar and said, "Listen to me, sonny Jim, you go in there with your friends right now.  This is what a real bar looks like, you see.  Now go on in, and woe betide you if you dare try to appreciate it ironically!"

The Short and Sweet Review

Bagel on Damen or Hole in the Wall

The Slow and Savory Review

Greetings dear readers!  Right away, we must apologize for our absence last week.  The following post was prepared to go out last Friday at our regularly scheduled time, but unfortunately our lovely hosting platform decided that would be a good time to update its interface, and with the update, wipe out anything that had been saved in draft form.  And as Brandy was out of town and could not give us access to her notes, we thought it best to simply wait for her return.  So, without further ado:

Brandy knew it was going to be a strange day when she woke up one morning to find a pool of water about a foot deep had somehow found its way into her living room.  After a lot of searching and snooping, Brandy could not detect the source of the water herself, so she decided to call in several professionals: a plumber, a carpenter, and a restoration expert.  Unfortunately, as this happened to be very early on a Sunday morning, the three men's concentration seemed to be somewhat lacking.  In hopes of spurring on their deductive reasoning skills, Brandy offered to run out for some nourishment while they milled around her parlour in search of the source of the leak.

Brandy's grab and go venue of choice was Bagel on Damen.  Having checked the restaurant's website before leaving (quite the accomplishment for a woman who refuses to use a smart phone unless it can psychically predict who she wants to call) Brandy was quite surprised to find the Bagel on Damen in Ravenswood to be utterly deserted, desolate, and devoid of people.  Rather annoyed by this turn of events (as she had had to catch a bus and a train to get to the location) Brandy hopped onto a Damen bus and headed for the other location in Wicker Park.

Finally arriving at her destination, Brandy found a smallish, yet bright and vibrant store front with a few scattered tables and chairs, most of which were filled with that particular brand of young person known as The Hipster.   Avoiding their ironic glares, Brandy headed for the counter, where a stack of menus was available.  She noticed several unfriendly notices posted like "Cash Only!" and "No Custom Sandwiches," which put her off a little.  She also watched as friendly young people from behind the counter brought sandwiches wrapped in butcher paper and resting in paper boats to the tables beside the window.  After a bit of a wait (for which a sweet faced young man apologized immediately) Brandy headed for the bus stop, her bag of goodies clutched tightly to her chest.

So finally, after a full 2 hours worth of transportation (bus and train to Ravenswood, bus to Wicker Park, and 2 buses home) Brandy arrived back in her water logged abode to find the three men still puttering about in the puddle.  Excusing herself to the kitchen, she began to quarter the four sandwiches she had ordered, because, of course, she had to have a taste of each.

First was the Breakfast II, a combo of bacon, egg, cream cheese, and avocado on what was referred to as a "Mish Mosh" bagel (Brandy supposed this was their equivalent of an "Everything" bagel).  Although the bagel had a lovely chew that can only be produced through the proper technique of partially cooking the bagel in boiling water, Brandy was disappointed that, although the menu had stated the bagel would be toasted, it was quite cold.  She also thought that the combo of the creamy avocado and cream cheese was a bit overkill, and she wished for a crisper veggie, such as a nice leaf of ice berg lettuce, to add a bit of crunch.  Other than that, she found the whole thing to be a rather nice combo of traditional breakfast flavors.


Next was the Garden; a crispy and fresh mix of cucumber, tomato, and lettuce, with avocado and green onion cream cheese, again on a "mish mosh" bagel.  Though a little sloppy to eat, as the veggies attempted an escape from the sandwich with every bite, Brandy thought the refreshing cucumber and subtle cream cheese reminded her of the tea sandwiches of her youth.

After that was The Brunch, a name Brandy could not possibly hope to resist.  This sandwich consisted of egg salad, tomato, and greens on an onion bagel.  Again, although the menu promised toastiness, Brandy found it to be cold and devoid of crunchiness.  The egg salad itself was rather bland, which Brandy was extremely disappointed by.  "Even a hit of black pepper, or maybe some crunchy celery could have livened this up.  I'm ashamed to see the word "brunch" attached to such a boring offering," she mumbled to no one in particular.

Lastly was what proved to be Brandy's favorite of the bunch, a concoction of onion bagel, turkey, bacon, green apples, gouda, avocado,and Russian dressing known as the Alexander the Great.  The smokey cheese mixed well with the crunchy bacon, the crisp and tart apples, the smooth avocado, and the succulent turkey, and when combined with the sweet and sour dressing, which had soaked into the chewy bagel, a wonderful cornucopia of flavors and textures was to be found.

After chowing down on these little tidbits, one of the repair men noticed a security camera Brandy had installed after her wallet was stolen, and upon reviewing the footage, the source of the water was finally identified; apparently Brandy had been filling her table-top water feature in her sleep without realizing it, thus slowly filling her lovely parlour with liquid.  "That does explain the squishy slippers," Brandy said, chewing her lip.

So although they weren't the most delicious, most delectable, or most delovely bagel sandwiches one can find, Brandy was happy enough that her brain food from Bagel on Damen did the trick.  And from now on, her water feature will be placed in the bathtub at night.

The Short and Sweet Review

Bite Cafe or Minimal Animal

The Slow and Savory Review

Minimalism.  Not something that Brandy is in favor of.  There have been more than a few incidences where Brandy has been dragged from a museum for shouting obscenities at a Barnett Newman or Piet Mondrain painting.  Brandy's philosophy of art is that if she can re-create it, its not art.  "Art," Brandy says, "Should be done by talented people to express their talents.  Minimalism is about talented people choosing not to use their talents."  If one was to visit Brandy's home, one might consider it cluttered, but its only because of the array of artistry Brandy has collected over the years.  In short, if there is anyone more anti-minimalism than Brandy, they've probably been seen on the television program "Hoarders."

When visiting Bite Cafe this week, Brandy was confronted with minimalism the second she stepped in the door.  Barren brick walls lent focus to the high tin ceiling, which while lovely, cast a sort of cold industrial feel across the room.  After looking around helplessly for a few minutes while the flock of young, hip waitresses rushed from table to table, Brandy was finally given a wait time of 10-15 minutes.  She spent this time in a space next to the dining room which seemed to be a holding room for musicians performing in the attached bar.  The wait became closer to a half hour before Brandy was finally escorted to a stool at the counter, where she was continuously bumped by patrons and servers alike.

Right away she ordered a cup of Earl Grey, which came simply in a cup with no accessories like lemon or a spoon (while this is perfectly acceptable to some, Brandy has always been a stickler for a little bit of tea service at brunch). 

Brandy chose two dishes to sample, the first of which was the Breakfast Poutine.  For those not in the know, poutine is an import from our Canadian neighbors that has been co-opted lately by Chicago's trendiest brunch spots.  In general its a gathering of French fries and cheese curds covered in gravy.  Bite Cafe's twist included a poached egg and pickled chili slices with a bacon gravy covering the fresh cut fries and briny cheese.  While a lovely snack for a few bites, Brandy could not imagine devouring the entire dish as one's breakfast.  She loved the smokiness of the gravy (which could be substituted for mushroom gravy for vegetarians) and the crispiness of the fries, but wished the dish had been set under a broiler for a minute or two so that the cheese would have been meltier and gooier.  She also felt the egg was a bit overkill and had been included only to make the dish more "breakfasty."

Her second dish was called Eggs Duncan, a sort of eggs benedict with poached eggs over home made biscuits and topped with creamed spinach and fresh green peas.  While Brandy did love the light and crumbly biscuit, she found the spinach concoction to be very bland, and for the first time ever in her life, Brandy reached for the salt shaker (Brandy firmly believes that to add salt or pepper to a dish table side is an insult to the chef).  She wished for a bit of crisp bacon to break up the mushiness of the dish.  Mostly sadly of all, the poached eggs that topped the dish wear under cooked with still liquidy whites.

Brandy found this minimalist breakfast very underwhelming to say the least.  After all, Brandy's greatest breakfast joys come from dazzling sides, exciting beverage choices, and an actual table to sit at.  She also found it curious that the pricing of the menu (over half the menu was around $10) was the one thing that wasn't minimalistic. 

The Short and Sweet Review



Janik's Cafe or Hipster's Paradise

The Slow and Savory Review:

Bunny and Brandy have encountered many strange things during their journeys through Brunchland; men in women's clothing, blob monsters, and even a donut with bacon on it, but during this week's brunch at Janik's Cafe in Ukrainian Village, Our Ladies encountered a new species of being known as "Hipsters."  Apparently, the Hipster is a sort of young person who, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, does nothing and knows everything.  They are often spotted wearing thick black framed glasses (whether they are prescribed or not), striped long sleeved shirts under "retro" style screen printed T-shirts sporting names and logos of bands no one has ever heard of, long scarves wrapped thickly around their necks, skin tight trousers, and sporting bushy beards (in the case of the males) and long hair parted in the middle and haphazardly styled (could apply both to the males and females).

Upon entering Janik's Cafe, one is greeted by colorful local art, handwritten signs proclaiming the day's specials, all the free newspapers one could eat, and lots of small tables spaced throughout the room.  One will also be greeted by the dull eyed stares of a dozen or so Hipsters.  Bunny was quite alarmed by this reaction, but Brandy assured her they meant no harm.  "I read an article in National Georgraphic about these types," Brandy whispered, "I think they're appreciating us ironically."  "Impossible," Bunny scoffed, "They're Americans.  They don't know what irony is."  Our Ladies then made their way to the counter to place their orders.  For Bunny, a Mixed Berry Smoothie and a Tuna Melt Sandwich with a side of macaroni salad.  For Brandy, a Pineapple Smoothie and a Crab Cake Sandwich, accompanied by a bowl of Cheesey Potato Soup.  They were given a table number and told their food would be brought out to them in a trice.

Our Ladies tried to ignore the continuing stares of the Hipsters by studying the menus along the walls.  All too late, Brandy discovered the sign about $5 cocktails, including bloody mary's, jack and cokes, and mimosas.  After about 10 minutes, the dishes started arriving.  First, the smoothies, thick and delicious.  Bunny's Berry Smoothie was a bit more flavorful, as Brandy's only tasted a little of pineapple and a lot of cream.  "More of a milkshake than a smoothie, really," Brandy said, "That'll teach me to try and be healthy.  Next time, I'm asking for a Jack and Coke smoothie."

Brandy's Potato Soup proved to be much better than expected.  Loaded with perfectly cooked chunks of potato, and laden with delicious cheesy goodness, the soup was surprisingly fresh and satisfying on such a dreary Chicago morn.  The sandwich, on the other hand, was a little disappointing.  The crab cake was in drastic need of crunchiness.  The interior was good on flavor, but just too mushy for Brandy's liking.  She did, however, appreciate that the sandwich was completely customizable, from the bread and cheese to the toppings.  The tartar sauce the lady at the counter had suggested for the sandwich was definitely needed, as without it, the crab cake would have been even more bland.

Bunny's sandwich, the Tuna Melt, was more of a Tuna Warm.  The tuna salad itself was very good, but the cheese was definitely not melted, nor was the sandwich very warm at all.  The macaroni salad, however, was quite tasty.  Bunny explained that it wasn't too vinegary, a huge pet peeve of hers when it comes to macaroni salad.

At the end of the day, Janik's Cafe provides one with lots of comforting food for a very low price (most dishes don't even graze $10).  If one is able to endure the side glances of the dozen or so Hipsters circling around the condiment caddies, a quick, cheap, and filling brunch is to be found.  Tip from Bunny and Brandy, if the Hipsters are getting too close for comfort, tell them you used to be in a very obscure band they wouldn't have heard of and they will wander off to look up your band's album on Amazon Marketplace using their iPhones (ironically, of course).

The Short and Sweet Review